Thursday, January 01, 2009

New Year Resolutions

(Presented by Seagrams, in association with Pepsi and Hero Honda)

By Gaurav Parab

Now that the New Year celebrations are over, and we are already looking forward to Manikchand presents “Dhamaal New Year’s Eve Party 2009”, it is important to take a moment’s pause and take stock.

Let us start with New Year resolutions. A list shared with newspapers by every actor who has starred in the TV series Mahabharata in the last week of every year.

Son: Papa, why don’t we make New Year resolutions like Shaktiman does in the Times of India every year?

Dad: Why the random question? Are you doing grass?

Son: I am an eight year old kid. The imagination of a blogger who is still trying to look for a creative way to introduce his New Year’s resolutions.

Dad: Ok. Who is reading the blog these days?

Son: Everyone reads Gaurav Parab Says. Not read in Antartica. Read Everywhere Else.

Dad: This is subtle product placement isn’t it?


So here is my list of New Year’s resolutions.

  1. Start a leather bound personal diary with gold embossing stating “2009” in the upper left corner. Use it for making shopping lists and homework assignments from January 13 onwards.
  2. Figure out how much oil is present per barrel.
  3. Give a lift to a stranded rich millionaire in the middle of nowhere late at night. Tastefully mention my telephone and account number to him.
  4. Quit drinking till the next time.
  5. Be realistic. Concentrate on the smaller joys of life and the small goals. Do the small things right, the big things will take care of themselves
  6. Save the world.
  7. Be kind to waiters. Scream at Restaurant managers for being better dressed than you are.
  8. Call a spade a spade. Be diplomatic with people. Especially the powerful ones.
  9. Introduce disillusionment to a young innocent child. Teach him about pink slips, sub-prime, macroeconomics and quantitative analysis. Pat his head lovingly afterwards.
  10. Be kind to lonely old people and hungry dogs. Gift a hungry Doberman a lonely granny.
Before signing off, in news elsewhere, the Pakistani Army General Ashfaq Kayani termed the Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari as a non state actor who looked better in a handle bar moustache.






man in the iron mask said...

Mine’s to find a guy who’ll gift me The Dark Knight Blu-ray DVD. I think I might have finally found him.
My dearest buddy, as soon as you get lucky with that millionaire, siphon off funds to you know where. That would be more than enough, why bother including it in your shopping lists and all. I’ll do the rest.

Refreshing His ICICI Account Homepage every 5 minutes,
Satish Naidu

Anonymous said...

Ha ha .... this was witty! Good stuff!


Anonymous said...

Got myself a 2009 diary Got all the office work noted in it.Ensured Vijay Mallya keeps my spirits up for the year.Searching around for the disciplined doberman who is adept at chasing rats, cats and monkeys and the millionaire son Baap re Baap

Gaurav Parab said...

@ Satish: With our new found riches, we will make a movie together.

It will be about a blogger who gets to share 124 minutes of screen space with Jessica Alba.

@ MV - Thanks dear.

@ Anonymous: Next time do leave your name.

The biggest joy is to put a name, or face to brickbats and encouragement.

beatnik said...

This damsel in distress is looking for an eligible witty MBA blogger dood to save her(and the world if he prefers, cuz it's doomed anyway), as soon as he gets rich. And gets a face transplant. Till the time that happens, she'll keep visiting here(for no particular reason), and drop not-so-subtle hints regarding the same.


Gaurav Parab said...

@ Beatnik.

Let me start with a small dose of wit and irresistible charm.

But I must warn you. Women have found it to be overwhelming at times.


Now that this little business is out of the way, did you know that I am old, bald, and with a CGPA of 2.3 ?

Doll, the 'thingy' is the dood is bad news.

It is no coincidence that his girlfriend is trained in martial arts and known to track down women seeking a state of happiness that only men who fail in Managerial Accounts can provide.