Thursday, May 22, 2008

Swimming Pool Mathematics

By Gaurav Parab

This article is dedicated to whoever invented the swimming goggles. Thanks for allowing people who cannot swim the chance to see the bottom of the swimming pool right before they sink.

When a team from National Geographic was coming up with their plans for the earth, they realized that even if one giant water park sounds cool , earth beings, specially people who cannot swim, need solid ground to sleep, plant their food, and install the printer 1.

So they made earth 25 % land, 75 % water, and 4 % Mathematics professors sniffing around for the next calculation error in blog posts.

In addition to our obvious lack of fins to swim and do twirls, and long dark noses to balance plastic balls - we are clearly not designed to fly either. A handicap, that was overcome first by the Wright brothers who heard the whispered rumor about their wives planning a shopping excursion for shaving cream.

“Wilbur, we need to figure out a way to get out of this place now.”

A picture of Orville Wright from his Facebook profile. (Added the you make me fly application )

After many attempts, best summarized as WOW I AM FLYING – pause- THUD , we eventually came around to the idea that un-aided flight is not a bright idea. But some of us still continued to believe in un-aided floatation. Which brings me to what this article is about.

Swimming Pool 2

We have about 25 % of land mass to work with. Subtract Africa and Shammi Kapoor - we are left with enough land to walk in a single file to the end of the line and back. Nevertheless, we continue building swimming pools.

Do we expect a community of giant blue whales to build stadiums in the ocean for, “Learning the freestyle walk?”

Giant Daddy Blue Whale: Come children. It is Sunday. Let’s go to the stadium and walk around. I will teach you the backstroke walk today.

Baby Blue Whale: Are we not supposed to swim daddy? Are we not supposed to go “Yikes, I can’t walk!” whenever we are pushed on to land?

Giant Daddy Blue Whale: Do not worry. There will be lifeguards. This is a good chance to spend whale money3 towards the walking club membership fees.

Now, all swimmers have to pre-shower before getting into the pool. Get wet before getting wet. Like warming up with a short walk, before going for a walk.

But it is not the pre-shower which I have issues with. The hardest part for me in the swimming pool experience is the part between the changing room and the actual pool.

The part best described by considering the following equation.

The changing room is fine. And so is the pre-shower and the swimming pool. What does not impress me is the walk from the changing room to the swimming pool. After the pre-shower, you wrap an oversized towel around yourself and try to walk towards the edge of the pool. Cleverly, designed to be located a hundred thousand miles away, so that the entire world population across continents can look at you and pass judgment on your one pack body.

Eskimo # 1: peeping out of his Igloo: Who goes over there with the fur wrapped around his legs? Stop, or I shoot, skin you and marinate you for next Christmas.

Eskimo # 2 : Don’t worry about him. Its just a fat swimmer going from the changing room to the swimming pool.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, you reach the swimming pool.

To be continued at a later date. My boss is here.


1 Technical Support Tip: When you see the following error on your screen “Printer cannot be found”, move the screen towards the direction of the printer to improve the chances of it finding it.

2. Mix 200 oversized men with 3 women in a large excavation. Add water to taste.

3 I am guessing if whales can build swimming pools, they would have money and club membership too. But I have been known to be wrong.



Anonymous said...


This is brilliant !!!!

- Ankit Sharma

Anonymous said...

Marr gaya hans hans ke Gaurav , too gud .... Eskimos and "Giant Blue baby-dad" convos r hilarious ..... :-)))))))

Tarun S

Anonymous said...

Once a technical writer, always a technical writer!

I think those math and stats assignments are really screwing up your brain. It's not wise to think of math while doing the freestyle underwater and coming to a conclusion via your calculations that the problem lies in the synchronization of your hand movements whereas the instructor points out that there is clearly a problem with your breathing and suggests PRACTICE, completely throws you off while you're trying to grapple with the fact that swimming won't be of any use to you or your one-pack body in case you don't plan to live near the sea anytime soon.

I shall conclude by saying that since no one asked me if I wanted to study math I will not learn how to swim for two reasons:

1) I don't think Delhi will sink underwater due to global warming anytime soon

2) Everytime I start learning how to swim some unforeseen circumstances always occur and I have to start all over again.

As for you Mr.Parab put your swimming goggles on and nose-dive, for the more activities you do the more we laugh!


Manjusha said...

oh hilarious! I've been well rewarded for visiting your blog! LOL!

I don't swim - this post makes me feel much better about myself.

Priyanka Khot said...

Oh My God!

How do you come up with all this...

my cheeks hurt. I have been reading the blog posts in between my boss's interrupting visits to the work station for over 2 hours now and I am not even close to being done.

Gaurav Parab said...

@ Priyanka

All you need is a poorly designed swimming pool and a well designed vodka bottle.