Swimming Pool Mathematics

By Gaurav Parab

This article is dedicated to whoever invented the swimming goggles. Thanks for allowing people who cannot swim the chance to see the bottom of the swimming pool right before they sink.

When a team from National Geographic was coming up with their plans for the earth, they realized that even if one giant water park sounds cool , earth beings, specially people who cannot swim, need solid ground to sleep, plant their food, and install the printer 1.

So they made earth 25 % land, 75 % water, and 4 % Mathematics professors sniffing around for the next calculation error in blog posts.

In addition to our obvious lack of fins to swim and do twirls, and long dark noses to balance plastic balls - we are clearly not designed to fly either. A handicap, that was overcome first by the Wright brothers who heard the whispered rumor about their wives planning a shopping excursion for shaving cream.

“Wilbur, we need to figure out a way to get out of this place now.”

A picture of Orville Wright from his Facebook profile. (Added the you make me fly application )

After many attempts, best summarized as WOW I AM FLYING – pause- THUD , we eventually came around to the idea that un-aided flight is not a bright idea. But some of us still continued to believe in un-aided floatation. Which brings me to what this article is about.

Swimming Pool 2

We have about 25 % of land mass to work with. Subtract Africa and Shammi Kapoor - we are left with enough land to walk in a single file to the end of the line and back. Nevertheless, we continue building swimming pools.

Do we expect a community of giant blue whales to build stadiums in the ocean for, “Learning the freestyle walk?”

Giant Daddy Blue Whale: Come children. It is Sunday. Let’s go to the stadium and walk around. I will teach you the backstroke walk today.

Baby Blue Whale: Are we not supposed to swim daddy? Are we not supposed to go “Yikes, I can’t walk!” whenever we are pushed on to land?

Giant Daddy Blue Whale: Do not worry. There will be lifeguards. This is a good chance to spend whale money3 towards the walking club membership fees.

Now, all swimmers have to pre-shower before getting into the pool. Get wet before getting wet. Like warming up with a short walk, before going for a walk.

But it is not the pre-shower which I have issues with. The hardest part for me in the swimming pool experience is the part between the changing room and the actual pool.

The part best described by considering the following equation.


The changing room is fine. And so is the pre-shower and the swimming pool. What does not impress me is the walk from the changing room to the swimming pool. After the pre-shower, you wrap an oversized towel around yourself and try to walk towards the edge of the pool. Cleverly, designed to be located a hundred thousand miles away, so that the entire world population across continents can look at you and pass judgment on your one pack body.

Eskimo # 1: peeping out of his Igloo: Who goes over there with the fur wrapped around his legs? Stop, or I shoot, skin you and marinate you for next Christmas.

Eskimo # 2 : Don’t worry about him. Its just a fat swimmer going from the changing room to the swimming pool.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, you reach the swimming pool.

To be continued at a later date. My boss is here.

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1 Technical Support Tip: When you see the following error on your screen “Printer cannot be found”, move the screen towards the direction of the printer to improve the chances of it finding it.

2. Mix 200 oversized men with 3 women in a large excavation. Add water to taste.

3 I am guessing if whales can build swimming pools, they would have money and club membership too. But I have been known to be wrong.

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