Humor - I am Watching You

Human Dude I am Watching You

By Dog

Listen human dude, this one is meant to set the record straight. It has been three years since I have put up with your pathetic behavior and it’s been 21 dog years too many.

I must declare right away that your behavior makes my paws curl and my tail twitch like it is being rubbed against a cheese grater.

Just the other day, I walked into the room when you and the other human dudes were having that Christmas party. For the record, I entered the living room because I heard another of those stupid songs that you get high to. I wanted to investigate the noise, cause unlike you- I don’t have a rich father to live off from. I have work to do. And I left, because your faces are too disgusting too look at, especially after having my dinner.

Man! Obviously, I was shocked to see so many ugly little human faces laughing their ugly little human faces off. That is the only reason I paused….looked around…turned and left the room quickly. But then…you can’t take that without cracking another one of your ‘He is a stupid big confused dog’ jokes. Don’t think that I didn’t hear the rest of your pack laugh as I turned around and left the room. Well, guess what homo sapien buddy! One of these days the stupid big dog might just bite your stupid big head off. Won’t that make a nice conversation topic for the Kennel Club meet? Where is Jimmy these days? Oh…Jimmy! I am afraid, his head is inside that stupid big dog he had.

I hate it when you take me out to the lawn to play catch. If it was just once in a month or so, I could perhaps learn to live with it. But you have to do it every single time the hot neighborhood lady comes out for her exercise. You think I am blind to see your game? FYI Two legged dumbo: The-man-playing-with-the-dog routine is as passé as …the-man-walking-the-dog routine. You think, I, the alpha male in the whole society likes to fetch a ball twenty times an hour so you can throw it back again? When I stop, do you really have to shout over the fence to that cute chick that I get tired easily? Let s reverse the roles for a day tomorrow and see how many fetches you can pull under the summer sun. I bet you would gulp the ball down the first time I toss as you are too moronic to figure out the rules, you big fat vertebrate.

You know why I don’t fetch the newspaper? The same reason you don’t deliver your neighbors mail. If I can’t read what I am supposed to carry between my molars, then what is the whole point in the damn exercise? Sadistic pleasure for you?? Duh- I don’t think I am dumb enough dude.

Every now and then, when I try to have a little 2 minute conversation with the rest of the gang across the street, you have to shout and threaten me with your stick.. Well primate mate, do you want to know what we are talking about? Big man, we are plotting a canine coupe where the dogs would take over the cul-de-sac and chain all the human prisoners to the lamp posts we have reserved with our piss. Now, do you see why I keep on doing my thing on the post adjacent to the gate? It’s been reserved for you buddy. Happy camping, 23rd March this year

And don’t you dare threaten me with that stick again… you two legged mass of flesh. With my tail not as agile as it was, one of these days I might chew your hand off and use it as a fly swat.

You know the deal with the ‘big brown’ eyes staring at you in the evenings from the corner of the room? Best friend, I ain’t trying to get your attention. I just stare because I can’t help but wonder how badly God got it wrong with the Jimmy experiment. Maybe at some level, I wish that staring at you might make you disappear.

I am sorry if I sounded bitter and a bit angry. This was supposed to have been a warning to you pal. Just stop being yourself. I guess we can get along then.

And yes… don’t interrupt me when I am howling at the moon and do feel free to add a dash of Vodka to my dinner bowl. Heck, I might even start liking you then.