Sunday, September 29, 2013

What Men Think While Taking a Leak

By Gaurav Parab

Quick blog. May take less than ten minutes to write, perhaps three to read. But before you go on, let me warn you. This one is a little graphic. And I don't mean this sort of graphic.

The other day during an evening made completely of Booze, I realized that I am perhaps the most inspired when I am taking a leak.

Roll your eyes, this train wreck of a blog is just starting. I warned you. This one is not a love song. Or about dogs, or about life changing bus journeys. But this is close to my heart and true.

Maybe it is because in these busy times, having 'alone' time is so difficult. Even the time in the John usually involves checking the blackberry or trying to string together a lame attempt to catch up on your reading.

But when taking a leak - you are actually doing nothing. Your mind is free. Seat belts off, it is ready to go on a  remarkable journey.

So I took a quick dip stick survey ( I am not really paying attention to word usage as you can see) and checked with a few friends and they agree. Some of them, and yes we did discuss this while taking a leak , is I may be on to something big ( Word Usage, continue to ignore) and perhaps I should be writing a Self Help Book on how to use the loo to inspire yourself to greater things in life.

Hey Literary Agent, I may call this  The Eighth Habit and the One Secret to Win Friends and Think Magically Big while standing over Kimberly Clark

Based on my extensive studies in this field, here are the typical thoughts in every man's head while taking a leak. Feel free to modify according to your job title, what you really want to do in life, and based on your knowledge about Swarovski elements.

1) Relief. Relief. Relief. God Bless the Red Cross, and the Doctors without borders.

More importantly, God bless the man who made this toilet. He must be a genius. A beautiful genius. The Love Child of George Clooney, Melanie Laurent, and a reckless Albert Einstein - no less.

Mental Note - One day I should blog about the relief one gets after having a dozen buds and reaching the loo. My readers will find it very interesting. It will be the best thing they will ever read. Most will take a printout and light agarbhattis in front of that printout every single day.

2) Maybe not.

What is that ? What sort of retard puts a chewing gum in this exquisite Bathroom Fixture. I will be taking this American Standard off this wall, sneak it home and bring it up like my own child. I will feed it Swarovski elements after I figure out what exactly are Swarovski elements.

3) What am I doing with my life ? My best years are behind me. Seriously, what am I doing ?

4) Is this midlife crisis ?

Very poetic, since I am in the middle of my piss. This observation calls for laughing hysterically.
Slight pain in my back. What am i doing with my life? I should not be drinking so much and laughing so hard. I should not be watching people get rich on the television all the time. No TV from tomorrow.
I should be writing that book. To show them how it is done.

5) I am really wasting my time. I am an old man. But women still look at me. Does that count?

6) Should have another beer. Should have another beer. Should have another beer.
What are they saying back in the hall ? He is grown old and can't drink as much as he could.

From tomorrow, I will exercise. And not cry every single time November Rain is played.
Why not. It is a damn good song. I am a Metrosexual man, I can do what I want. I am sexy. Like the Metro train.

7) I can pee at the speed of sound. And think at the time. So fast! I am being wasted in my job. Tomorrow, I will resign.

If I do it slowly, I can pattern piss the Mona Lisa. I am really wasted at my job.

8) Not so fast. Stupid Home Loan. Must have another beer.

Bye Bye Hands free, Seat Free - Electric Sensor Loo. You are very cute and a marvel of technology. I will see you in another fifteen minutes.

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