Sunday, October 02, 2011

Dear Nigerian, Treat this with great confidentiality

Dear Mr Ali Damrus,

Thank you for always thinking of me. Since our first correspondence, I have always wanted to tell you that you had me with "Hello My Dear Friend".

I am called Gaurav Parab, a senior staff in the Shetakari Bank.

I salute your courage in avoiding Mr Vaoudo Karim in the corner office, Mr Marco Givson the Head of Claims, and my entire expat family in the lobby of your bank to sneak out and write to me in great confidentiality. Due to official restrictions, I am writing back to you and you only. I hope you treat this matter with great confidentiality.

But first, thank you. God be blessed for your finding my uncle's old files for the millionth time in the last audit. We miss him as much as you do. Although it is difficult to alternate between grieving for his departed soul and jumping with joy every time he turns up alive only to die again. My friends at Guruwar Peth sing, “How many times must his Uncle Die?"" Before he is actually dead?"

Ali, but today I write to you with mixed news. I hope you are sitting down and sipping a Coca Cola (which makes you eligible for the annual Promo draw of 100 billion GBP)

While I was searching for the documents you had asked last time, I came across the will of your father Ali Damrus, the Minus One ( Ali Desmarus -1). As you know he worked as the token Nigerian on a Kinetic Honda near Pune University . I am sorry to bring to your attention the matter of his death due to overdoes of CAD B, now CafĂ© Chocolade. 

Since your father’s death we have been waiting for the next of kin to turn up and start playing for East Bengal. And then one day my computer told me you my old friend are the beneficiary we were all looking for. Nana saheb, Bhau Saheb, and Patil congratulate me on my good fortune.

Ali, your father had complete access to three packs of Chitale Bandu Bhakar Wadi. After proper investigations, we discovered his pending payment to you has been withheld by Kaka Halwai. But with the help of FBI and local Chatursinghi police station, we have been able to track Kaka to Pimple Nilakh, near Rakshakh circle. As you know the package is worth a lot of money, and can be couriered to you only from 10 am to 2 pm (Don’t ask why. The dude at the Chitale Bandhu counter is a real wise guy).

Please share the following information at the earliest, so we can top up your Valid International Master Card at Om Super Market.

Name - 
Delivery Address – 
Cell Phone Number –

I know you may have received such letters before but I beg you to handle this with all you heart. Aai Shappath. I am not fcking with you.

After you deposit the initial amount in Cosmos Bank, we will send you a ticket to Pune. To prove your identity, you will be asked to say Bhosari MIDC with a straight face. I advise you to treat this matter really seriously.

Thanks and remain blessed


ankit said...


Rahul H said...

Hilarious my friend ..... all with the local touch ... kaka halwai, cad-b et al ... awesome !!

D said...

chitale bandhu, om market, kaka halwai, nanasaheb, cosmos bank!!! Heart-felt "gasp!!!" from a true punekar!!! I cant belive u r actually getting away after making fun of them!! Yes...u r getting away...This was really very funny..:D:D I hope ur dear friend does get back to you...

Jayshankar said...

Fantastic writeup. What should we call it new nigerian scam from india .... Chuckle.

Amit Bhatia said...

LOL! thanks for the laughs!

Akash said...

Bhai! Rib ticklingly hillarious!!!
Good job once again!

Akash said...

Rib ticklingly hilarious! Great job with words once again!!