Friday, October 28, 2011

Ra.One Could Have Been Worse

By Gaurav Parab

This year has been terrible for India- Scams, train accidents, inflation, terrorism, and the devastating John Abraham - Bipasha Basu breakup. There was hope that come Diwali, thanks to Cinthol, Nokia, Champions League, and Videocon – we will have hope in the form of Ra.One. I was even told on TV that Haan farishteh hote hain. Goddamit. I got screwed.

Nothing is as bad as Ra.One. We didn’t see this coming, did we? But here is a sobering thought. It could have been worse. Abhishek Bacchan could have been G.ONE.

Try imagining this, the same overacting and in-your-face nausea – but taller and with a hip hop accent from Juhu. Could we have survived a moron instead of an oxymoron? (This sentence makes no sense and is my tribute to Anhbhav Sinha, the Ra.One director)

Try this simple visual exercise. Look at the image at the start of the blog. Try to keep a straight face for one minute. I kid you not, it is impossible. Speaking of G.ONE, is it me or does anyone else thinks it sounds like the prototype of a G String made by Rohit Bal? Ok, I guess it is just me.

The JHA.TWO, and J.ONE jokes apart, I admit the marketer in me really admires SRK for putting everything on the line and believing in his product. It may be inspired by a thousand movies, and it may be crappy but has worked so hard to get his shit out like SRK has. Which raises another point Shouldn’t he have tied up with Sulabh International? Opportunity lost.

Even if it is shit, creation is tough and SRK has done what no one else has in terms of marketing. The scale and the brazenness is staggering. Here is a toast to SRK and to every man who has believed in his creation!  

A South Indian friend, post the Ra.One experience called me up and said CH****.ONE. I have never seen him embrace the national language with more fervor and sincerity. Although, I have only one thing to tell my friend. This is what happens when you take a Rajnikant joke too far. You guys (yeah someone has to say it) You guys! Brought this upon us. Could you not have worshipped Silk Smitha and inspired Bollywood to make a dirty picture?

Now this is the part of the article where I be Chetanisque and write about totally unrelated events, link them together, and then try to sell books.

Paragraph 1: What is our fascination with wastage?

We build the world’s most expensive home, and not live in it. We produce food grains enough to feed everyone but can’t build godowns to store them. We spend 30 millon dollars to make a super hero movie, when we have no culture of super heroes. SRK, the truth is India does not need superheroes.

What we do have is the world’s biggest trove of mythology and Gods that can make Marvel Comics hero quiver like Sheila ki Jawanni in their G.ones. If I had 30 million dollars to spend, I would make a positive, well researched, kick ass version of the Ramayan, or Mahabharath (not an animation, a real movie). Every kid in India looks up to our gods, and you don’t need to spend 10 million dollars to tell the world who Ravan is. Just remove the dot from RA.ONE and you have the world’s ultimate villain. The spinoffs, the sequels, the prequels – every story is already written and no copyright issues as well. But copyright, never bothered you anyways – did it?

Paragraph 2:

This is where I tie in my book with the article. But since I don’t have a book to sell, I am going to pimp a couple of books which could be interesting. Rohit Gore’s A Darker Dawn is out and although I have not read it completely the first few pages are  promising. Nishant Kaushik, a prolific writer friend's Conditions Apply, is also out. His first two books are bestsellers and this should also do well. 

I have nothing else to sell today. Join me on Facebook , subscribe to this blog and don’t send me stinkers on SRK. He does not need anyone’s sympathy. Although, I do wish Ra.One becomes a blockbuster for he has worked for it. Respect SRK.

Peace . Chitti Rocks.


Anonymous said...

Yeah it could have been worse.. Remember Drona?? ;-)

Varsha said...

i just cant stop laughing

Rahul said...

Watched this movie recently.. after reading reviews in couple of websites... we have viewers globally accepting Predator, hollow man,Spider man etc.. ( where is the logic there ? ) and why not this from Bollywood from an actor like Sharukh... its a wonderful attempt from Baadhshah !!.. This movie didn't disappoint me!

Shantanu Dhankar said...

I dont agree with the comment that we dont have a culture of superheros...we have lord hanuman as the first and the most original one. Marketing is important these days but when u do too much of it, a wise viewer thinks that "Is the product really that good?", its as if u are trying to knock off cheap roadside shoes as nike..anyways if I have spent 150 cr on a movie, I'm sure as hell I will go all out to recover them. The dyanmics of movies has changed, these days a 'hit' movie is not necessarily the ones which public like.

Vishnu said...

The words in Paragraph 1 are the same ones that I always wonder. I so want to see an epic in sequels, I bet they'd make huge profits.

All I get to see is meaningless, senseless blockbusters of S'Rukh. Ak Kumar and Salman khan. Is this all what we deserve?