Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ten Ways to Save the Commonwealth Games

Remember the days when you were on the school bus and you realized that you forgot the homework? As the school came closer, you prayed for:

1)      Earth opens up and swallows the bus.

2)      Bus is hijacked and you use your Mithun moves to rescue all hostages by killing the eleven masked hijackers.  You win the bravery award given by Chief Minister Amrish Puri and also earn the affections of the young hot Computer teacher.

3)      Venkat, the class nerd’s homework book walks out of his bag, slips into yours and renames itself.

Now, you may ask what does this have to do with saving the Common Wealth Games and am I single? Well, India is facing the same situation today. CWG are almost upon us and there is a bus load of men who have not done their homework (some with beards that should be shaved for western hygienic reasons).

My countrymen fear no more! I give you my Ten Point Solution in Better English than the Beijing Olympics, which will help me win the affections of the Computer teacher. Mam, friendship No?

Here is what we need to do quickly:

1)      Rename India: 

 Don’t scoff, it can be done. Remember Madras? Try catching a flight to Madras these days. 

When athletes reach their respective airports, they will not be able to catch a flight to the place formerly
known as India. I suggest Mc Dowels No 1 Premium Top of the Line Soda as a possible surrogate.

Athlete: One ticket to India please.

Ticket Attendant:  I am sorry. Don’t have an India on my list. Although, there is Mc Dowels No 1
Premium Top of the Line Soda. You want that? Wink Wink.

Athlete:  I am going to scratch my head now.

Ticket Attendant: Why are you saying that aloud?

2)      Rajnikanth

I don’t need to write an explanation. Somebody go find him.

3)      The Pune Rickshawallah

We gave you Suresh Kalmadi so Aila we feel responsible. With heaviness in our hearts and Baakarwadi in our mouths, Punekars donate the solution to the problem.

The Pune Rickshawallah! {Ramanbaug Ganpati Dhol Tasha Roll}

All Pune Rickshawallahs should be sent to Delhi Airport. If some resist, tell them that they will get half return for the trip. At the Delhi Airport, we only have three words for the incoming athletes, tourists and officials.

Best of Luck.

However, for the plan to be really successful – Delhi has to keep the Pune Rickshawallahs for 73 years.

4)      Jadhu ki Jhappi

Again, a perfectly viable solution that no one has thought about. Tut Tut. A Jaddhu ki Jhappi will inspire the Organizing Committee to action. They should all be lined up and given a Jadhu ki Jhappi by a well fed porcupine.  Nothing like a nice tight hug.

5)      Ask Mr. Kalmadi to shave:

I thought I will slip this in. But admit it! Are’nt you curious about how he looks without the growth? We all want him to shave. Please. Please. Please… please shave! Preferably using a well fed porcupine as an after shave lotion.

6)      The Shah Rukh Airport Trick:

Quickly rush SRK to the Delhi Airport and arrange for an acting class with him for all Immigration Officials. This is how they will be taught to act whenever an athlete comes for visa stamping.

Dialogue: “Why are you here?” {At this point, throw your arms wide open and smile from the left side of your face. Make sure a dimple is formed. }

Foreign Athlete:  For the Common Wealth Games.

Dialogue: “They are in February. Why are you here so early?” {At this point, throw your arms wide open and smile from the left side of your face. Make sure a dimple is formed. }

Foreign Athlete: eh….

Dialogue: Security, Please deport this gentleman. He came early. Next {At this point, throw your arms wide open and smile from the left side of your face. Make sure a dimple is formed. }

7)       The Arnab Goswami Telethon.

Every time Arnab Goswami says, Suresh Kalmadi You have to answer this question, the Government should add 1 billion dollars to the Commonwealth Games budget. 

In close to five minutes, the Common Wealth Games Village will be able to rent 70 tons of toilet paper and give Sheru a much deserved makeover.

My friend Arnab is really pissed. I repeat he is really pissed.  Every night he gets angry about Suresh and there are spitballs coming out of his nose and it really gets ugly. Worse, he sometimes starts ranting in his unique brand of Hindi which reportedly has driven many Aircel Tigers to suicide. Only 701 left now.  

I have seen some scary things in my life, including Sales reports of a thousand rows and hundred columns. But every time Arnab comes on screen, I shiver and my tummy rolls. I am so glad that my name is not Suresh. Thank you mom and dad.

8)      Moving Cunnigham Road to Delhi Airport

It is impossible to cross Cunningham road in Bangalore. It really is, even to young good looking Indians like me. The traffic is so bad, that once you see a gap you want to cross the road and keep crossing it back and forth so you don’t have to do it for the rest of the month.

Move Cunningham Road to outside Delhi Airport and see if the athletes make it. If they do, give them a Gold medal and send them back across the road to the departure terminal. If the first crossing doesn’t kill them, the Pune Rickshwallah certainly will get them in the return trip.

9)      Reshuffle

The foolproof Indian way of solving problems. The Indian Reshuffle.  Make Suresh Kalmadi the Chief Minister of Delhi, Shiela Dixit the Chairperson of Yamuna, and Sports Minister Gill the official Sheru of the games. Tattoo I told You So across Mani Shankar’s face. It may not solve the problem, but Gill would definitely be a good Sheru.

10)  India Pulls Out of the Games

India should threaten to pull out of the games as a participating nation due to the lack of adequate facilities by the host nation- Mc Dowels No 1 Soda .

Kalmadi, the chief of Indian Olympic Association can also cite the non-recognition of the Spoon and Egg Race as an Olympic sport as a reason for withdrawal to Kalmadi the Organizing Committee chief.

With the largest contingent of officials out of the way, the Kiwis will finally get a place to stay. (Repeat this sentence. It rhymes. Oh what profound words I write.)

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Lady Swiss said...

You remain - one of a kind. I just went through your blog quickly again and no matter how hard i look i cannot see another blog out in cyberspace that shows the same range of writing. You really are something. Keep Writin

yogesh said...

Just Awesome.
Rename India. HA HA HA.

How about having "Ayodhya verdict" daily (actually when people are ready to hear just postpone it by another day) during the CWG duration ?

Gaurav Parab said...

Yeah, I think the Ayodhya verdict should be postponed.

Manjusha said...

Cunningham Road cracked me up. So did open arms wide and smile to the left. On a more serious note, asking Kalmadi to shave seems like a good idea. That and the porcupine aftershave.

Gaurav Parab said...

I swear Manjusha!

I was with Reena a few days ago and we were trying to cross Cunningham road.

She thinks they should have monthly passes for crossings.

Farina Kidwai said...

I seriously rolled on the floor laughing!!!!!!!
Absolutely awesome article...
Kaash TOI would publish it on the front page

Really superb write up!


Karthik Y.S. said...

LOL. Real good blog...haha

Mahesh said...

amazingly creative ideas..

nightflier said...


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